quarta-feira, 28 de janeiro de 2009

Inner Monologues #1

Lost Smile

We met each other on a sunny day while I was running an errand. I thought of you as arrogant and abusive but on that same day I saw through the mask you showed to the world and your smiling face remained engraved in my memory until this very day.
Now the grounds of our relationship have changed, ‘friends with benefits’ that’s what they call us. My desire for you only escalates my will to see your smile only increases but lately you haven’t shown it to me. Most of the time I don’t know what you are thinking you lay there with your back facing me and act surprised towards my affectionate gestures.
You still don’t get it.
Today is so cold, maybe it will snow tonight. Cold… I think we are drifting apart, we belong to completely different worlds, I know warmth and comfortable comfort, and you have lived around humans made of ice.
Cold and late, I should just close this place and go home. Why are you at my doorway?
Wait. Don’t run away. Why are you behaving so foolishly like this? Wait! It is more likely for you to run out of breath than me. Look at me, what’s wrong?
At least face me when you say you are leaving this place, heading towards the northern shore of Europe. What will become of me alone in this small town?
Living your life being controlled by the high social and professional expectations of your father, living within is imposed limits, according to his rules, not being able to breathe carelessly or spread wings. Always defying him with small decisions and unnoticed gestures. I understand, you have reached breaking point
“I can not let him control my life anymore”
You scream in the empty shadowed street.
You finally turn around and face me
“I would hate to have to go alone”
I smile, run to you and hold you close,
“I will go with you”
I convincingly say close to your ear. Yes, your words are true, you shamelessly abused me, moments when you treated me horribly but still I love you. I will go with you, stay by your side, not letting you be alone.
You haven’t noticed, have you? That in those moments when we were together my affectionate nature always embraced you.
There is one thing I want you to show me. Nothing pervert, don’t worry…
What is this intense light? What is that roared sound? From where does this screaming voice come? Inside my head a voice is yelling to save you, to push you out of the road, to push you…
It’s still night, every thing is so calm.
Why is there blood on your face? Did you get hurt?
No, I think I am the one hurt here. What is this feeling? It’s like I’m floating on jelly. My ears are whirring, I can not hear what you are saying, and your lips keep moving calling my name.
You are crying. I think I’m going to die here. Tears are running down your face, falling on my chest.
Such an irony, the last thing I wanted to see before I died was your smile. There really was a time when I though I could have been saved by your smile.

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